Mallory And Ron Hit The Town
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory and Ron's date night is interrupted when they run into a few people she knows. And most of them wish they don't know her.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone out to eat. Just another fun Mallory and Ron date night disaster. Takes place before the season seven premiere.**

 **Mallory And Ron Hit The Town**

"Well I'm back…" Mallory trudged into her new house after a day of work at the Figgis Agency. Ron was in the kitchen drinking coffee and reading a paper at the counter.

"So how was your day?" Ron asked as he looked up from his paper.

"The same as always," Mallory grumbled as she dropped her pocketbook on the counter. "A day filled with joy, sunshine and rainbows! How do you **think** it went?"

"That bad huh?"

"Right now I wish for bad," Mallory groaned as she went to pour herself a drink from the cabinet. "If only to break up the monotony!"

"Here we go…" Ron sighed as he put his paper down.

"Ever since we opened this ridiculous agency less than two months ago it's been the same thing **every day**!" Mallory ranted. "I get up and sit in traffic for an hour to go to work only to find there is no work. I sit around all day watching the idiots act like idiots. I make calls to people who **used** to be my friends who **never answer**! I watch my son drink, screw around and bicker with his baby mama all day. I watch what little money I have left go down the drain. Then I sit in almost an hour's worth of traffic to come home so I can do it all **again** the **next day**! I'm having the time of **my life**!"

"Look I have an idea," Ron said.

"Stop the presses," Mallory grumbled as she took a drink.

"I get it! You hate LA! You miss New York and you miss stepping out with your high fallootin' society friends," Ron spoke up. "But let's face reality."

"I'd rather face another bottle of scotch," Mallory grumbled as she took another drink.

"Here's what we are going to do," Ron spoke up. "You and me are gonna go out tonight. We're gonna have a nice dinner. Maybe see a show or a move? Just relax and enjoy ourselves and then you are gonna take tomorrow off to relax. Maybe we can go to the beach or something?"

"Can we Moondoggy?" Mallory mocked. "Then maybe we can double date with Frankie and Annette at the Shake Shack? We could hang ten and watch Bonehead make out with a mermaid!"

"I'm serious Mallory!" Ron said. "You said so yourself. Your son and the other idiots are just going to screw around and do nothing all day. So why do you have to go in all the time and watch them when you could be out having fun? And in your case, better drinks?"

Mallory began to reply but stopped. "You have a point."

"That and there's no food in the house and I haven't cooked anything," Ron admitted.

"It's been almost two months and you still can't figure out to turn on a stove?" Mallory barked.

"A regular stove yes! But not this thing!" Ron pointed. "It's all complicated with the buttons and the beeps and the bells and all the lights that go on but I don't know what they go on for!"

"Oh for Christ's sake," Mallory rolled her eyes.

"Okay Julia Childish," Ron folded his arms. "You're such an expert? **You** show me how it's done!"

"Gladly!" Mallory went to the stove and looked at it for a minute. Then…

"Give me fifteen minutes to freshen up," Mallory admitted defeat. "I feel like Italian tonight."

"Nothing too fancy," Ron said. "I don't feel like putting on a monkey suit. And then rinsing out marinara stains for a week."

"We'll go Californian casual," Mallory acquiesced. "Which is just basically casual in this town."

"Another good thing about California," Ron said as they went to get ready. "No hassle about outfits."

"Uggghhh…" Mallory made a sound of disgust.

Sometime later…

"I'm **starving** ," Mallory grumbled as she and Ron sat at a nice table in an Italian restaurant. "I can't believe it took us so long to get a table!"

"We would have had a table sooner if you had let me use the valet instead of insisting on me driving around the block forty times to find a parking space!" Ron grumbled as he looked over his menu.

"I didn't like the looks of that valet," Mallory huffed.

"What do you care? It's not your car!" Ron snapped. "And you weren't going to pay for it!"

"I was just trying to save you money," Mallory protested.

"Since when do care about saving **my money**?" Ron asked.

"Since it looks like we might be living off of it longer than I thought," Mallory groaned. "The detective agency isn't exactly turning a profit."

"I still don't understand why you need to be part of an agency," Ron asked her. "Look I get the part about not wanting to stay home and not being bored. But can't you find something else to occupy your time? _Anything else_?"

"It's not just about being useful Ron," Mallory admitted. "Although I admit to some degree that's part of it."

"Then what is it?"

"It's about the money and power of course," Mallory gave him a look,

"Riiiiiigght!" Ron groaned. "I don't know **what** I was thinking!"

"At least you **attempt** a thought unlike the gaggle of giddy gumshoe wannabees I have to put up with!" Mallory groaned.

"Just forget about them," Ron told her. "Drink your wine and relax. We're going to have a nice dinner and you are going to call in sick tomorrow. You need a personal day."

"You're right. I do," Mallory admitted. "I really do. Why do **I** have to be the only responsible person there?"

"Exactly my point!" Ron added.

"I don't know why I bother," Mallory admitted. "I really don't."

"That is a question I've been asking for a few years," Ron admitted.

"Maybe a day off is what I do need?" Mallory let out a breath. "Lord knows I've earned it after all I've been through."

"So do it," Ron said.

"I will," Mallory said.

"So what are you having?" Ron asked.

"The veal marsala looks good," Mallory admitted as she took a drink of wine. "It will go good with this wine."

"It does sound good," Ron smiled. "I'll have that too."

It wasn't long before they placed their order. They were munching on garlic bread and drinking wine. "You know it has been a long time since we've done this," Mallory admitted. "When was the last time we went out?"

"Uh when you dragged me to that fancy pants television named restaurant and got us kicked out?" Ron gave her a look.

"Oh right," Mallory admitted. "Eh no big loss."

"That's part of the reason we have takeout nearly every night since we got to California," Ron pointed out. "Well that and I can't figure out the stove thing…"

"Well at least here the food is passable. I'll give…" Mallory then saw something. "Son of a bitch!"

"What'd I do _now_?" Ron asked annoyed.

"Not **you**! Oh my God…" Mallory saw someone at a table behind her. "I recognize that man! That's Richard Sutton!"

"I have no idea who that is," Ron said as he looked. "What movie was he in?"

"He's not an actor," Mallory told him. "He's a defense consultant that works with a lot of agencies! Including ODIN and the FBI! He also did some work for my agency years ago!"

Ron looked over and saw a man in his early sixties with grey hair and a boyish face in a casual black tailored shirt and pants. He was eating with a woman with greying brown hair about ten years his junior. "Seems okay. Did you two used to date?"

"No," Mallory admitted. "He was married as well as chasing something on the side. He preferred his bimbos from the secretary pool. Easier for him to catch I suppose."

"Oh well…" Ron decided to change the subject as he turned back to her. "Anyway I was thinking. Maybe we should take a trip to wine country? You'd like that. You love alcohol. Find a place where you can taste wines and have a nice lunch? Maybe buy a few bottles?"

But the wheels in Mallory's mind were already turning. "Last I heard his firm did very well last year. And he has all sorts of contacts."

"Forget bottles! We could buy a case!" Ron went on. "Or a vat! How about a nice vat of wine? We could stick it in the living room for convenience!"

"This is a stroke of good fortune," Mallory grinned.

"Mallory no," Ron groaned. "Please! Can't we just have a nice dinner?"

"A man with his contacts could do big things for my agency…" Mallory's eyes gleamed.

"Technically it's not your agency anymore! Remember?" Ron reminded her.

"Even a couple little investigative cases could throw some big money our way," Mallory grinned. "This is a golden opportunity."

"Yeah for trouble!" Ron groaned. "The man is obviously with his wife. Why not leave them alone?"

"I'm not going to cause trouble," Mallory waved. "I'm just going to say hello and give him my number."

"Mallory please," Ron begged. "Leave the man alone. Let's just enjoy our dinner and forget about work for one night!"

"I'll be right back," She got up quickly. "Save me some more garlic bread."

"This will not end well," Ron sighed.

"Richard? Richard Sutton!" Mallory feigned surprise as she walked over. "I thought that was you! I haven't seen you in years!"

"Oh…Hello Mallory," Richard managed to be polite. "Fancy running into you here."

"Well yes. I live in LA now," Mallory smiled.

"You **do**?" Richard did a double take. "I didn't know."

"Yes, I've gotten out of the espionage game and I am now running a detective agency," Mallory went on.

" **That** I heard about," Richard remarked.

"Yes we're doing all kinds of investigative work," Mallory went on.

"Is that a fact?" Richard groaned.

"Mallory please, let's go back to the table," Ron walked over. "The garlic bread is getting cold and our food will be here any minute. Oh is that the veal marsala?"

"Yes it is," Richard said.

"How is it?" Ron asked.

"Very good actually," Richard said.

"Ron nobody cares about the veal," Mallory glared at him.

"Well we both ordered it so we should care a little," Ron told her.

"Oh boy…" Richard groaned.

"Richard? Who is this woman?" Mrs. Sutton asked.

"Honey this is Mallory Archer…" Richard began.

"Ohhh…" Mrs. Sutton winced. "Mallory Archer…"

Mallory was surprised. "You've heard of me?"

"Oh yes," Mrs. Sutton sighed. "I've heard of **you** all right."

"Well I don't want to disturb your evening…" Richard began.

"Oh it's no trouble at all," Mallory disregarded him. "You know my agency does a lot of the things that are right up your alley."

Ron began to say something. "Ron if you say phrasing I will **slug you** ," Mallory warned under her breath.

"Mallory now is not a good time," Richard began. "I'm with my wife. Having dinner…"

"And that veal looks very good," Ron spoke up. "So we should go back to our table…"

"In a minute," Mallory waved. "So what are you working on now Richard? I'm sure that we can help you with…"

"You know for a woman who claims to run a detective agency you don't seem able to pick up on **clues** very well," Richard said bitterly.

"What is **that** supposed to mean?" Mallory's voice rose.

"It means I'm not going to use an agency whose members were blacklisted for complete and total incompetence for **picking up trash** much less **actual investigative work!** " Richard glared at her. "You do know what blacklisted means right Mallory? It means you've been **banned** from any kind of espionage work! Completely!"

"Well technically only by the CIA…" Mallory tried to take control of the conversation.

Richard added. "I'm not even supposed to be seen **talking** to you! So if you don't mind…"

"So that's **it?** " Mallory was stunned. "After all these years and after everything I've done for you…"

"What you've done is given everyone headaches and problems!" Richard snapped. "Woman your **agency** …for lack of a better word…has been little more than an embarrassment in the intelligence community for years! Particularly because there has been **no intelligence** running it at all!"

"Sorry about all this," Ron apologized to Mrs. Sutton.

"It's all right," Mrs. Sutton sighed. "I'm actually sorry for you…"

"How **dare** you?" Mallory shouted. "I ran one of the greatest agencies in the world!"

"Greatest at causing disasters and mayhem!" Richard shouted. "The debacle with the Albanian Ambassador is still being talked about in our circles. It's among legendary status! Legendary bad!"

"Okay one little incident…" Mallory began.

"One of many, many, many, **many** incidents!" Richard snapped. "The latest being your last mission! I don't know all the details but I do know that you were supposed to protect some scientist, but your idiot squad ended up **killing him**!"

"Yeah but to be fair," Pam's voice was heard. "If we didn't kill him the brain clot would have so it was like…"

"What the…?" Mallory did a double take. "Pam?"

"Ciao Ms. Archer!" Pam waved from two tables down. She was sitting at a table filled with food and drink with Cheryl, Krieger and Mitsuko. "You gotta try the veal! It's freaking awesome!"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING HERE?" Mallory shouted.

"Uh this new thing called **eating?"** Pam gave her a look.

"Duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"What is **that** doing here?" Mallory pointed at the hologram.

"It's called a **date**!" Krieger snapped.

"They let you bring **that** into a restaurant?" Mallory shouted.

"They let **you** in didn't they?" Mitsuko snapped.

"Apparently there's a law in this town saying that you can bring a hologram to a public place," Pam shrugged.

"That's a thing?" Ron asked.

"It's a thing," Pam said. "Hey! Ron what's shakin'?"

"Your neck in a minute!" Mallory shouted. "Did you come here to spy on me?"

"No, we're spying on Cyril and his date!" Cheryl pointed.

"WHAT?" Mallory turned around. In a booth across the way Cyril was trying to hide. "CYRIL?"

"Hello…?" Cyril said weakly.

"What is going on here?" Mallory shouted.

"Well if you **must know** …" Cyril grumbled.

"Honestly no but…" Mallory interrupted.

"I met Kathy online and we're having a date!" Cyril snapped.

"At what website?" Mallory did a double take. "Sleeping Beauty dot com?"

Kathy was a young brunette in her twenties. And she was passed out cold.

"She has a slight problem with alcohol!" Cyril snapped. He looked at her passed out in her meal. "And narcolepsy."

"Sounds like the perfect match for you," Mallory quipped.

"You know…?" Cyril fumed.

"I suppose Gillette is mincing around here somewhere?" Mallory groaned.

"Nah, he said he had to check out some new possible gay watering holes," Pam told them. "Places we would never think to go."

"Smart man," Ron remarked.

"I have no time to waste with you lot!" Mallory snapped. She turned her attention back to Richard. "So after all these years you're not even going to give me the time of day?"

"It's six thirty-five!" Cheryl called out. "Get a watch lady!"

"Mallory please do you really have to do this **now**?" Ron begged.

"Can't you take a hint and go away?" Mrs. Sutton snapped.

"She can't," Mitsuko remarked.

"Go unplug yourself!" Mallory shouted at her.

At this point and time Archer and Lana walked into the restaurant. To their shock they saw Mallory screaming as well as their co-workers there watching. They quickly rushed out before any of them could see them.

"By the way Mrs. Sutton you might as well know that your husband has been cheating on you with his bitch of a secretary under your nose for the past ten years!" Mallory whirled on the woman.

"Really?" Mrs. Sutton raised an eyebrow. "Do tell?"

"He's been carrying on with some tramp named Deborah or Debbie or…" Mallory went on.

"It's Darlene…" Mrs. Sutton gave her a look.

"That's it! That's the name of that shameless hussy," Mallory grinned. Then she realized something. "That's **your name** isn't it?"

"Yes," Mrs. Sutton said.

"And you are his secretary…?" Mallory realized.

"I used to be until Richard's first wife died six years ago," Darlene remarked. "We've been married five years!"

"Ohhh…" Mallory winced.

"Boy did that backfire in your face!" Cheryl laughed.

"Shut up before I slam some food in yours!" Mallory shouted.

"You always say that but you never do!" Cheryl shouted. "TEASE!"

"And she wonders why she was blacklisted," Richard groaned. "This is what I was talking about!"

"I know dear," Mrs. Sutton groaned. "She really is a low class witch."

"Who are you calling low class you...secretary!" Mallory fumed. She grabbed Mrs. Sutton's wine glass off the table and was about to throw it in her face. "Hang on…"

Mallory took a sip of wine. Then she frowned. "No this is too good…" She drank the whole thing.

"HEY!" Mrs. Sutton snapped.

"Hang on…" Mallory looked around. "No water? Damn…Wait…Hang on…" She picked up a wine glass from another table nearby and took a sniff and a swig.

"Damn this one is too good too," Mallory grumbled as she finished. "What is this? A Monticello?"

"Yes, it was **my** 62 Monticello!" A man growled at her.

"Good year," Mallory put the glass down. "Does **anyone** have **any** inferior wine I can throw at this hussy?"

"I have a diet coke," Pam pointed.

"Since when do **you** cut down on calories?" Mallory asked.

"I like the taste," Pam shrugged.

"Oh well," Mallory took the glass. "It'll have to do." She then threw the contents of the glass onto Mrs. Sutton.

"AAHHH!" Mrs. Sutton gasped as she was splashed.

"Why are you **screaming**?" Pam snapped. "It can't be that much of a surprise. What did you **think** she was going to do? She literally said she was going to throw something at you. Just saying."

"FOOD FIGHT!" Cheryl cheered as she started throwing food. Within seconds food was flying all over the place with a large majority of people in the restaurant throwing food at each other.

Well not everyone…

"Krieger…" Mitsuko glared at her boyfriend as food flew harmlessly threw her.

"Don't look at me!" Krieger told Mitsuko. "You're the one who wanted to go out tonight!"

"Can't go anywhere nice…" Cyril groaned.

Just then his date woke up. "What…. What's going on?"

SPLAT!

Cyril cringed as a glob of spaghetti hit her in the face. "What the…?" She glared at Cyril.

"Oh come on!" Cyril winced. "You can't blame me for that! You already had food on your face!"

Less than half an hour later…

"Well I hope you're happy," Cyril grumbled as he drove his car. His suit was covered in stains and he had a huge shiner on his right eye. "Thanks to you not only did I strike out on my date, we can **never** go back to that restaurant! And I liked the veal there!"

"Can't take you anywhere nice can I?" Ron grumbled. He was in the front with Cyril and Mallory was in the back. They were all covered in food stains.

"I am not the one who started the food fight!" Mallory snapped. "I only threw soda at one woman! What happened after that is not my fault! It's Cheryl and the Idiot Brigade that did it!"

"At least they brought their own car!" Cyril shouted.

"So did we!" Mallory shouted. "It's not my fault the tires were stolen!"

"This wouldn't have happened if you let me use the valet!" Ron snapped.

"Oh let's not go back to **that argument** again!" Mallory grumbled.

"You might as well go to work tomorrow," Ron grumbled. "There is no way I want to spend the day with you! I need some peace and quiet!"

"Why are you punishing **me**?" Cyril whined. "Why do I have to deal with her?"

"You're in charge of the agency," Ron snapped. "She's **your problem**!"

"You're her husband! You're the one who's responsible!" Cyril shouted.

"How about I go to the office tomorrow and you both go to **Hell?"** Mallory shouted.

"And you wonder why I don't visit your office anymore?" Ron grumbled.


End file.
